The optimal distance of one another

“During winter, a bunch of porcupines cramped together to stay warm, but their spikes end up piercing each other if they come too close. This cycle of huddling and withdrawal repeats, until they discover the optimal distance of one another. “This is Schopenhauer’s dilemma, where he explored the contradiction of our seeking of genuine human connections and our intolerance for others true qualities, and suggested that manners and etiquettes act as the defensive shield that keeps others in a proper distance for interaction.

Such optimal distance is often manifested both physically and mentally. In a confined space like a lift, we intuitively stand in opposite corners to maximise distance from strangers. Even with people you know, we often employ varying degrees of distancing and physical interacting strategies, acquaintances are kept at arm’s length, friends at shoulder’s, close friend at elbow’s, lovers at hand’s. Yet, our response to physical intimacy has been desensitised, by the wide spread of nudity and pornography, and the rise of hookup culture, where pleasure seekers devote themselves to physical commitment by the exchange of bodily fluids, and abandon the burden of emotional commitment.

While physical distance now emerges as a less accurate way of measuring one’s closeness with another, mental distance remains the primary determinant. Despite its cliche and overused, describing a person’s mind as an onion is still one of the best analogies, where the outer layers are often polished and unambiguous, being the side of us that we are used to sharing. As we peel away, the inner layer becomes exposed, it might be soft, darkened, damaged, regenerating, growing, this side of us are reserved, irritating and uncomfortable for ourself and others to deal with, as it might contradict with who we think we are and how others think you are. Schopenhauer’s idea of appropriate distancing illustrates that our fear of rejection has precedent over our fear of loneliness, in other words, we would rather reject ourselves than getting rejected by others.

The way forward is not self-distancing, but embracing the possibility of getting hurt and rejected when forming any relationship. You will know it when you are there.